“One Season of Loneliness”


Everyone’s gone home for the Eid holidays. Well, not everyone, but just three quarter of the Malaysian student population. Oh, not many, right? Nope, it’s only…massive. Weeks before, when they were all fussing about the tickets, I told myself, “Lah…one week je, what? Too short a holiday! Takpe lah” But the situation turned very creepy all of a sudden the moment they began the mass exodus to kampong halaman starting yesterday (Sept. 26th). Then only the real effects kicked in, culminating in some disastrous concocted feelings of miserliness, jealousy, sadness, depression, wretchedness, and many others that I couldn’t yet put a name to.

So before I break down and cry, or worse, turn psychotic (ha!), I made up my mind to hasten my visit to one sister’s house near Sudiang. This one’s very close to Malaysian akhawat since the era of the seniors. Alhamdulillah, I’m glad to be near people rather than being left alone where there would be nonexistent sounds and noises (A house always make sounds every time you’re home alone), and uh, just pure, raw loneliness. The kind that is so palpable in the air that you could almost grasp it. The kind that is so suffocating that it engulfs you before you had the chance to fend it off, and wraps around your heart and never let go. Only now I truly understand the feeling of prison inmates being incarcerated for life and fighters that are away on a mission in some never-ending war. It’s easy to see how they could turn insane, sooner or later, without a strong hold on Faith.

It’s the loneliness.

It sort of, kills your determination to survive.

Like a wonderful sedating effects of morphine.

So, you inevitably sign your death will the moment you give in.

Yes, it’s strangely eerie.

On the other hand, it’s at a time like this that we question the inner state of our souls. When we are left on our own, with none of our friends or loved ones around, and none of the familiar things that has become habits over the years or months living together around people. Will we carry on the usual way, as if nothing happened? Will we be unaffected by the sudden difference? Will we?

It’s a bit difficult for me to answer.

Which brings me to other subjects: How strong is my reliance to Him? More so, do I actually rely on Him, or on His creations (which partially explains the utter sadness of being left by people)? And second, how much have I prepared for Death, in which I’ll be left alone for real, with none of the worldly things to accompany me? (No more running to someone to ease the loneliness because there’ll be no one)…Nay, it’ll be a completely different world altogether.

Just a day before, a dear companion told me about his definition of a Great Person in one of our discussions. He said, “A Great Person is one whose reliance is solely to Allah, the Almighty Ruler. He never really depends on other mortals in his life

At the time, my logic and personal nature had completely engaged into intense conflict with his view. I said that it would be illogical for a human to not depend on other human. Even the Prophet (Peace be upon him) depended on his family and Companions, in times of ease and hardship. Anyone still recalls how the Prophet P.B.U.H had relied on Khadijah when he came back from the Cave of Hira’ in which the angel Gabriel had taught him to read (Which ultimately marked his Prophethood)? The Prophet P.B.U.H was, and still is, a truly powerful paragon of perfectionism, but he was also a man. A Great Man. That was one of the reasons in God’s Will to spread the Truth and reject Falsehood; He had sent us a man, instead of an angel.

So that even in our limitations, we find salvation in reliance to Him.

And that, even in relying to someone else, we are actually (in a way) beseech Him for strength and perseverance.

But right now, suddenly my mind’s doing an 1800 turn from my previous stance. There was actually some truth in his view that would do very much good in pondering over. It made me realized how significant my reliance is to this world. Everyone’s gone, and you’re feeling alone. Why don’t we look up to some examples of sufists like Rabiatul ‘Adawiyah, Hasan al-Basri, Rumi, and Hafiz, in which they found utter joy at being left alone? They even avoid people and derive pleasure out of their seclusion with God. Like a passionate date with a lover. Even though some of their Sufi practices and heretical ways are no more compatible with modern times, I think that we should adapt their lover-like relationship with God into our lives. Think about it, it’ll only add more beauty to our already beautiful Faith, no?

Anyway, truly Allah knows best.

P/s: Somehow I feel better after writing this…Subhanallah, Alhamdulillah, Allahu Akbar^_^

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~Soulful Silence~

3 thoughts on ““One Season of Loneliness”

  1. nice thing to share with us who left all our dearie sis and bros to celebrate raya in Msia… sorry, but i guess we all got something this raya rite? n I see u got something much2 better!🙂 Alhamdulillah!

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